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Official Notice to the oppressors, abusers and perpetrators of emotional and psychological abuse; ~ you were wrong about me. You ARE wrong about me. I don’t need YOU to make me better. I am better than you know. I am stronger than you ever dreamed. I don’t need you to make me anything. I am better without you. Watch me fly and wave good bye to you from my position of freedom high above the clouds.
“Sometimes our teachers teach us more than they themselves have learned” Darlene Ouimet
You smiled at me, nodding and tilting your head as though you really understood what I was telling you. You made it easy for me to talk about my pain. I felt heard. I felt like finally someone understood. No one had ever really understood me. Certainly no one had ever validated my pain. And since validation was what I needed, it was so easy for you to use that knowledge against me. You validated me yes, but in the end it was only so that you could get what YOU wanted. You were a predator but I was so starved for acknowledgement that I didn’t recognize you as one.
All the while you smiled and listened attentively you were thinking about how you could capture me for your own and take me for your own possession. But I didn’t see it.
I kept telling myself that you would never take advantage of me. I must be misunderstanding the tiny red flags coming up for me; I always misunderstood… all my life I had been told that I misunderstood. I thought that I must be misunderstanding again.
And we talked about my “trust issues”.
I was high with the new feelings of being heard, being validated and being seen. I did not consider that I was being groomed again. Everyone in my past had wanted something from me. Everyone took advantage of me. With men it was often something to do with sex or sexuality. And this time the warning signs about sex were not present, so I missed the other signs. No one ever wanted me for my brain. No one saw my potential before, in fact, I was used to being treated like I was stupid and incapable. I was so excited to be valued for my brain that I didn’t realize that your motive was just different than what I was used to. Your motive was just as selfish however.
You wanted me for what I could do for you.
You threw me crumbs off your table as though I was lucky to have them. I begged for those crumbs and I believed that I was SO LUCKY to have them until I realized that I am capable of providing the entire meal and that I don’t need you or your pathetic crumbs.
I am not interested in the kind of “love” you have in mind. I know this feeling that I have been tricked this way before. The tactics are familiar, only the details and outcomes have changed.
I thought you were different. I thought you SHOULD have been different. You were a respected “professional”. You were a “Christian.” You were all the things that I thought meant ‘safe’.
You thought I was ‘nothing’ and you regarded me as such. You thought that I was insignificant compared to you. Well look at me now.
You tried to steal my gifts by telling me that I didn’t have them. You tried to convince me that without you I would not survive. How was I to know that you were manipulating me? How would I have known that you were thinking about what I could do for you, while I thought you were thinking about me; planning how you could take my gifts and make them yours while you took the credit and left me in the darkness.
You are like all the others. Just like all the others.
You regarded me as though I was stupid; as though I would never catch on. Just like all the others. You are just as pathetic as you taught me THEY were. You are a pathetic blur along with all of the other abusers and oppressors in my past now.
I thought I needed you but I was wrong.
You can’t have my mind. You can’t have my body. You can’t have me. Don’t touch me again with your poison. The truth has destroyed my respect for you. The truth has set me free.
All my life when men were convincing me that they were trying to “love me”, and make me feel good, they were really only trying to suit themselves. They were preparing the ground for their own pleasure and their own harvest. It was never about me or my feelings. It was all a grooming process. Even in some of the work projects that I did, this exact same grooming process took place. I was less than a prostitute since I never got paid. My contribution was dismissed as unimportant and as though I would never expect to be given any credit in the first place. Without acknowledgement, I now realize that your gratitude was glaringly insincere.
I thought it was love, to serve in this way. I thought you were love. And in truth, you were the same as every other predator. Misusing your power to empower yourself; using me to glorify you. Never seeing ME as an individual with as much value as you saw in yourself.
And you believed all along that I wanted to serve you; you believed that I wanted to be your puppet. You acted like you were doing ME a favor because you regard yourself so highly and me so lowly. I am sure you thought ~ who wouldn’t want to have the privilege of sitting at your feet? And I believed it. I thought I was so lucky that you picked me. You picked me. I was actually grateful.
As though the fact that you picked me defined me as “worthy”. I have made that same mistake many times and with many other people in the past, but I see the truth more clearly now.
You are not more important than me. You are just like all the rest. I reeled with the shock of that truth. You are just like the ones that you warned me about.
You didn’t see ME, you only saw what I could do for you.
You did not value ME but only valued what I could do for you.
You are no different than any other predator.
But you were wrong about me. You ARE wrong about me. I don’t need YOU to make me better. I am better than you know. I am stronger than you ever dreamed. I don’t need you to make me anything. I am better without you. Watch me fly and wave good bye from my position of freedom high above the clouds.
Please share your thoughts. Think carefully about the people who fit this post in your own life. Originally this was a letter to one specific person, but as I wrote it, I realized it was to a former pastor, and to a priest, a few therapists, a few “friends” and a doctor that I had once. When I was editing it I realized that it applied to a much greater list of people in my past then I had first intended.
Exposing Truth;
Darlene Ouimet
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